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Have you ever wondered how to be a good grandparent? What makes someone good at grandparenting? It’s easy to think of a picture perfect scenario with a grandparent that more closely resembles a super hero instead of a person who may still be working, caretaking, and more often than not, living hours away from the closest grandkid.
The good news is that studies show grandkids don’t list ‘superhero skills’ as something they remember learning from their grandparents. There are no capes, leaping tall buildings or running through brick walls involved.
Instead, there is a collection of activities and mindsets that grandkids list as areas where grandparents have made a lasting impact in their lives.
We took that list and created the acronym LASTING as a grandparent guide. We’ve shared this concept before, but wanted to do a little refresher, complete with examples from my own grandparent grandchild relationship.
1. L = Learning
Foster Learning and Growth: Teach your grandkids a life skill or choose a new skill to learn together.
Recently my oldest granddaughter Morgan uncovered an old Rubik’s Cube on a visit to our house and was completely fascinated with it. She asked my husband Ron (Papa) to help her solve it. Let’s just say it has been a few years since he’s tried that, so he spent some evenings watching YouTube videos to re-master the cube.
He then had Amazon deliver a cube to Morgan’s house. Now they FaceTime and he is teaching her how to solve the cube. During the last call she mastered the second level and gleefully exclaimed “I got it!! I gotta go tell Mom – thanks Papa!”
2. A = Active
We don’t get the opportunity to be active together very often, so we usually communicate with each other about things we have just completed. For example, we’ll send pictures of a hike, they’ll send pictures of soccer.
Occasionally we’ll be able to connect while we are both doing yard work or going on walks.
When we are with the grandkids we make it a point to choose at least one ‘adventure’. The last time the girls were here we took them to a local rock climbing club, and it was a hit!
When you are a long distance grandparent and aren’t together often, the big adventures may be a little more doable. It was worth every penny!
3. S = Share Family Stories and Traditions
Our grandkids love to hear stories from when their mom was their age, and they are completely fascinated by stories we tell them from when we were their age.
It has been said, “It’s like you lived in a different land!”
Stories of the past help our grandkids understand their roots, and give them a sense of their place and belonging in the family. Sharing family stories through the mail is one of our favorite ways to communicate.
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It is fun to carry on traditions with our grandkids, and to create new ones.
They don’t have to be big or expensive. It can be as simple as doing a puzzle on Christmas Eve, or having a greeting or farewell phrase that is repeated over the years.
Look for something they enjoy and repeat it. If it feels right and ‘ages well’ do it again.
4. T = Talking Together (and listening!)
When I found out I would become a long distance grandparent just about the time Morgan celebrated her first birthday, I thought I was going to have to cross this important item off my list.
But we are seeing time and time again that we can spend quality time together virtually too. Be intentional about this!
- Collect Conversation starters.
- Know their schedules and what activities they are in.
- Check the weather in their area.
- Learn their friends names.
- And listen patiently.
Listening carefully is one thing I am really focusing on. I know when my kids were young life for us was hectic. Running everyone everywhere and trying to get places on time with all the needed gear was not a recipe for patience.
However, now the time we have with grandkids is more often than not at a slower pace. It is wonderful to have this gift of slow moments where we can listen fully to their experiences, thoughts and feelings.
5. I = Invest
This is probably the area we have focused on the least, but their recent adventure of selling a house, and moving have brought up the opportunity for conversations about how they have all worked hard preparing their house for sale.
Morgan organized, and Kami cleaned all the doorknobs. We talked about the time and effort they invested being part of what helped them sell their house and move to a new one. Hard work pays off!
I’m looking forward to more investment conversations in the future as the girls get older.
6. N = Nurture (your grown kids)
While we love our grandkids beyond anything we can imagine, respecting the boundaries our grown kids put in place is incredibly important. This is also a great way to nurture your relationship with your grown kids.
By supporting, and not overriding our grown kids we are ensuring a continued invitation to be an important part of their lives and the lives of our grandkids.
“I need you to check with your parents.” Or a quick call to ask about a potential connection idea are much appreciated by Amanda (mom), and often results in a ‘yes’. If it isn’t a yes, I’ll have a better understanding of why not, and can adapt future requests. The fact that we honor their boundaries also helps our grown kids want to say yes as often as possible.
Raising kids is hard work (we remember!). Cheering them on often means more than you realize in the moment.
7. G = Gather
Gathering is another concept that can feel out of reach for long distance grandparents.
We are currently able to physically gather together a few times a year. An extended family vacation is part of our rhythm and is so worth all the communication and work.
We also know that it isn’t always possible so it’s important to look for smaller ways to gather as well.
I have a friend who has grandkids all over. Some are a few miles away, some across the United States and a couple in another country as well. They have set aside a half hour once a month to all gather together on Zoom – grandparents, grown kids and grandkids.
They call it The Family Chit Chat.
Sometimes everyone can make it, and sometimes just a few. Kids are in and out, and people just join from wherever they are – on a walk, cooking dinner, or lounging around.
They even record it, so that if someone misses they can catch up on the family news! It has become a favorite time for all, and the grandkids look forward to it each month.
We believe that as you incorporate these seven LASTING areas into your connection ideas that you will realize you have what it takes to be a good grandparent!
You are creating moments that will make a lasting impression on your grandkids, and that’s far better than being able to leap a tall building in a single bound!
The family Zoom time is a wonderful idea. Unfortunately, my grown sons with small children have unforgiving angst against their adult sister who isn’t married and has no kids of her own. She is sorely in need of playing the role of aunt to these (long-distance) kids. My heart breaks for her and them. I pray that the Lord will intervene and mend their relationships.