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Sidestep the Eggshells and Set Yourself Up for Success
As grandparents, who are positively over the moon with our new title, we have a very important opportunity to set the tone for this new season. That opportunity is one of support for these new parents. Respecting our adult children is key to bonding with grandchildren.
Unfortunate Examples of What Not To Do
Recently I read a laundry list of questions that were submitted to a relationship expert. Some questions were from grandparents, and others were from parent. All had the same bottom line. How do we solve ‘_____’ without damaging our relationship?
There were dilemmas such as grandparents being banned from entering the house because they were 15 minutes late for their appointed time, and the baby was now asleep. One of the questions I read resulted from grandparents who purchased a kid sized motorized ATV for their grandkids to use at their house, however they did so without getting parents approval. There were questions from grandparents who were upset when the parents did not want their kids eating their non-organic food, and parents that expected grandparents to babysit frequently with little notice.
I could have scrolled for an hour and not reached the end of the questions.
Setting the Tone of Support
Because we are long distance grandparents we’re immune from all this drama, right? Not quite. Clear communication and healthy boundaries are just as important when there is physical distance between parents and grandparents. Because the time we have together is less frequent, the toll that poor communication can take on the relationship is high.
You’ll find plenty of articles about boundaries in grandparenting online, including this one from Debbie Pincus. It is full of tips for both grandparents and parents.
Four Key Areas for Discussion
In this post we are going to focus on four key areas where you should have a discussion with your kids. These are not check the box conversations. They can occur initially when your kids become parents, and then periodically you’ll need to have them again as the grandkids are growing up.
1. How Often to Communicate with Grandkids
While long distance grandparents may not need to have discussions about how often they stop by for a visit, or how often they’re asked to babysit, it’s important to set some expectations regarding communication.
Our ‘visits’ will more often than not be based on the use of phones or video chat apps. For some families multiple calls a day are normal, while others are good with a conversation every couple of weeks. If the latter is the case for you, make some notes in between phone calls of news to share, or ideas of topics to talk about with the grandkids.
Remember to be okay leaving a voicemail or sending a text and not getting an immediate response. Our kids are busy. They are juggling careers, crazy schedules, and raising kids. And above all, resist the urge to communicate anything negative in your messaging. They’ll be far more likely to respond!
Our family has been using the power of mail to connect for almost two years now and I cannot recommend it enough. Many grandparents have now joined us in utilizing mail every month as a consistent strategy of connection and I invite you to try it out!
2. Planning Visits
Planning a visit with grandkids is a big deal when you are a long distance grandparent. Make sure that everyone checks their calendars, and then double checks them again! Also, once you are together, the best thing you can do for bonding with grandchildren is support your grown kids. This means at meal times, bedtimes and all the in between times. It can be easy to expect the rules to be changed because we are there, but when the visit is over we get in our cars or board a plane, and it’s our kids who will be there getting everyone back to normal.
3. Purchasing Power
As long distance grandparents, it can be easy to attempt to make up for a lack of time together by using our purchasing power. Whether we take them shopping when we are together, or use the power of Amazon to send gifts to their home, make sure you are on the same page with their parents on this. The gifts will be much more welcome if we check in with their parents first! And when we make a habit of asking first, they will be more likely to love the occasional ‘special gift’ .
4. Newborns & How to Ask Questions
When our daughter was pregnant with her first baby, I did some reading about caring for newborns. Oh my how times have changed! It is important, especially because we are not with them frequently, that we seek to understand and support their methods of parenting. It’s okay to be curious and ask questions from the position of understanding, but then cheer them on as they work hard to use best practices raising their kids.
They’ll come to you for help when they need it, and will be far more likely to do so if they believe they will not be judged. If this is your first grandbaby and you would like to study up on some of the latest advice for baby’s first year, Baby 411 and What to Expect the First Year are a couple of great choices!
Navigating the not-so-fun Times
To further foster bonding with grandchildren, we’re going to walk through seven things to remember as we navigate the not-so-fun times with our kids.
1. Remember What You Want To Pass On
As grandparents, one of the things that top our list is leaving a legacy. Carefully consider if the situation at hand is worth addressing. I often think to myself “Would I want this to be what is remembered about me in 50 years?” As we said when our kids were little, is this a critical issue? Does this really need to be addressed?
When you determine that something is worthy of addressing, look at it as an act of kindness, rather than an act of war. Being kind means holding accountable, or challenging a situation that could have negative consequences if it isn’t addressed.
A good test to give yourself is if you are wanting to make someone feel bad or guilty, it wouldn’t qualify as an act of kindness!
2. Think Before We Speak
This age-old phrase is still valuable today! We need to ask ourselves as we engage in tough conversations if the words that are leaving our mouths are going to contribute positively or negatively to the relationship.
This does not mean we can’t express our views and values, but it does mean that the manner in which we do so is extremely important. Jennifer Kolari in an interview with Carey Nieuwhof about diffusing conflict at work and home using the CALM technique says “If you are free-flow yelling and it feels great, it’s wrong.”
A technical win after verbal sparring is not worth the relational cost and can seriously damage not only our relationships with grown kids, but also our hope to bond with grandchildren.
3. Talk With Them – Don’t Dictate
The days of telling our grown kids what to do are long gone. Take the time to set aside distractions, and have a respectful back and forth conversation.
4. Lower Your Tongue
Conflict creates a physical response. Our bodies naturally sense a fear of some type. Maybe it’s the fear of what people will think or the fear of a lost relationship, we’ve all been there.
The ability to calm our physical bodies down will help us navigate tough conversations.
Kolari also teaches that when you feel yourself tensing up emotionally try lowering your tongue. Just rest your tongue by your bottom teeth, and you’ll feel the difference! This is a great way to keep yourself calm in an emotionally charged situation. (I tried this – it’s true!)
5. Don’t Defend Yourself
These words were shared with me early in my career, and I have turned to them many times both professionally and personally.
Especially when it comes to family, they’ve known and watched you for years.
Let your defenses down, and hear them out.
6. Listen
Often our disagreements are about techniques or how problems should be solved, rather than about the actual problem or goal.
Listen closely.
You may actually be trying to get to the same place, and you might just see the very values you instilled in your kids being shared back with you, just expressed a little differently. Communicate that! (“I see now that our goal is to keep the kids safe…..we both want the same thing.”)
It may help diffuse the situation and can get you back to some common ground and help both sides respect the other’s stance a whole lot better.
7. Estranged Relationships
Sometimes relationships have experienced accumulated hurt, resulting in especially strained, or even estranged relationships.
We understand the grief this causes. The initiative and time necessary for the possibility of reconciliation may be long and full of ups and downs.
However, we have heard many stories of relationships restored that we can’t end this post without pointing you to some resources if you are in this situation.
Know that our thoughts are with you as you consider your next steps!
Family Estrangement:
6 Ways to Reconcile With Adult Children
Estranged From Your Adult Child? 5 Things You Can Do
How To Reconcile With Your Estranged Adult Child
I hope these tips will help you, as they are helping me. Remember to keep the most important things in mind as we navigate tough conversations with our grown kids.
It’s sure not always easy, but it is definitely worth it!
Be the Best Cheerleader!
Sometimes it might feel like you are walking on eggshells as you learn your job description as a grandparent, and that can be frustrating. The good news is that as we defer to the wishes of our adult kids, and cheer them on as they learn their job descriptions as parents, we are actually putting ourselves in the drivers seat to further bond with grandchildren and develop a fabulous relationship with our grandkids. That is the best part of the job!