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Two Questions they’re asking and how we can respond as long distance grandparents.
Oh those Middle School years! Today marks part 3 of our “What Are They Thinking?” series and we’ll be identifying the two relational questions our Middle School grandchildren are asking. Understanding these two questions and how we can respond will start you down the path to help your middle schooler feel confident during such an inconsistent season.
Part One identified the relational questions preschoolers are asking, and was followed by the questions elementary kids are asking in part two. If you missed either of those posts, you can read them here and here.
We are basing our action steps and encouragement for grandparents of middle schoolers on the book called “It’s Just a Phase” book by Reggie Joiner and Kristen Ivy.
What’s Going On In a Middle Schoolers Mind?
When they describe the relational needs of Middle Schoolers they state “In middle school, a preteen challenges authority and personalizes what they believe. The way a middle schooler resolves the “Who” questions of life determines the famework for their relational stability. It affects the way they see themselves, the way they see the world, and the way they see themselves in the world.”
Joiner and Ivy go on to describe that in comparison to the first two phases, where the answers to the relational questions were pretty straight forward, the answers are now more gray, and need to be personalized for each kid.
The best way to personalize those answers and help your middle schooler feel confident is to affirm your grandchild’s personal journey.
The Two Questions Middle Schoolers Are Asking
Who do I Like (& Who likes me?) and Who Am I?
These are the two relational questions our middle school grandchildren are asking.
There are so many changes in the life of early middle schoolers.
They are now the bottom of the food chain in most school settings. Their bodies are changing like crazy, and their emotions are too. They know the latest lingo and apps, but they may still want to sleep with a stuffed animal. They change their clothes and their ‘look’ constantly.
Consistency is a rare thing during this phase. The term ‘tweenager’ aptly describes their world, no longer kids, but for sure not a grownup, although by the time they are 8th graders, they will think that they are!
As they are trying to figure themselves out, we need to look for and acknowledge their positive qualities and traits. This is a great start to helping your middle schooler feel confident.
What a gift for us as long distance grandparents to be able to help them discover how unique they are!
One of the most important things we can do as grandparents is to assure them that no matter what, we care. While consistency is lacking in their own life, it can be steadfast in ours as we relate to them.
So how do we affirm them?
Action Steps to “Affirm” Your Teen
1.Look for the things that are true and unchanging.
2.Share stories, not opinions, of our own middle school years.
3.When their clothing choices are a mystery we can say “that blue color brings out your beautiful eyes.”
4.If they are still sleeping with their stuffed animal – “I had a favorite stuffed animal too! (tell them about it) rather than say “You’re much too old for that!”
5.When they don’t really have time to spend with you because traveling in groups is their way of life now, send an encouraging note in the mail telling them something you love about them.
6.When you do score some time with them – allow them to direct the conversation. Check out the prompts below and use one to kick start a chat, but if they take the conversation another direction go with it!
7.If they share that they have questions, we don’t always need to have answers, but we can let them know we always have time to talk.
8.Middle School is a great time for care packages – especially if they involve food! Middle schoolers can grow 3 inches and put on 10 pounds in a year! Check out this post for 13+ care package ideas to get your wheels turning.
Just make sure you check for their current likes and dislikes, and then check with mom and dad and get that package in the mail fast, because this week’s preference for la’croix might be replaced by a new (much cooler) drink next week!
A Turbulent Filled Season for Parents
This season probably has as much turbulence for their parents as it does for them. Do you remember how you felt as the parent of a middle schooler? Those were some tough times.
They need you, they need you not.
Can you take me? I don’t want to be seen with you.
Do you enter into a conversation with their friends? Or would that be ‘too embarrassing’.
You’re thinking about their future, they are thinking about the present.
They answer with one word, until it’s late at night and they are suddenly ready for meaningful conversations.
So grandparents – let’s cheer our adult kids on too! They need our support, our understanding, and maybe a few reminders (delivered with humor might be best) of what it was like to parent them.
Most importantly remind them of the reward in relationship with their kids on the other side, when they have persevered as parents and their middle schoolers begin to understand the unique things they were made to do in this world.
The Support We Can Give Our Grown Kids as they Parent a Teen
1.Send an encouragement card. The free download above includes 15 cards ranging from humorous to inspirational and have options for both men and women. So make sure to grab those real quick!
2.Send a coffee card.
3.Send them a care package – what is something they love but have placed on the back burner during these years of parenting.
4.Listen to their concerns.
5.Celebrate the good times – because there will be lots, even in the midst of the tweenage years!
6.Tell them how much you appreciate their dedication as parents.
You know it’s so important to help your middle schooler feel confident and that season can feel like it goes on forever. Then, sooner than we can imagine, our grandkids will turn the page and begin their high school years.
Next week we’ll take a look at how all these phases come together for that final phase of childhood. You really won’t want to miss it!
