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Yesterday Amanda texted me this picture (below) of one of her daughters. She was surrounded by 1,000 little hairbands that she had discovered and spread ALL about the room. Amanda’s caption? “Oh, my word mom I’m going to go crazy!” I laughed but was also instantly grateful for the healthy relationship we have as a mom and grown daughter. It prompted us to share these 5 must-haves for success as we answer this tough question: How to have a good relationship with your grown daughter.
Well I immediately responded with a throwback picture from my own photo collection (below). And yes, this is my daughter Amanda. It was a fun little way to share that yep, I understood how she felt!
You’ve Been There
Parenting demands so much – physically and emotionally.
As grandparents, we’ve been there. And we do know how our grown kids feel.
You are in a unique position to encourage them as they parent. Cheer them on in the frustrating moments.
Be available to listen as they work out their own parenting philosophy.
We can just ‘be there’, whether in person or virtually when they are in the midst of a crisis.
And most importantly, we can communicate that parenting, while it is demanding, is also beyond rewarding.
They can do this!
1. Check-In With Your Grown Kids
We all remember what it was like the moment we had a sweet newborn in our arms.
All the attention went straight to that cute little baby.
As grandparents, it can be easy to focus only on the grandkids.
But let’s also work on being mindful to check in with their parents too!
Let’s find out how they are doing, and what is going on in their world. And as we do, make some mental notes for ways to follow up!
2. Count to 10, or Higher
Since we’ve all ‘been there, done that’ while raising our own kids, it can be easy to think we have the answers.
We can just toss them out and solve the problem.
But the truth is, we really haven’t ‘been there, done that’ in today’s world.
While I do believe that many of the foundational aspects of parenting remain unchanged, the society where we are applying them has changed drastically.
Take a moment to thoroughly listen to the situation.
Then ask questions that lead to them making their own decisions.
That is a fabulous way to cheer them on and keep a healthy relationship with grown kids!
3. Have Some Grown Up Time With Your Grown Kids
When we have the chance to visit our grandkids, we love every minute with them.
But we also look forward to bedtime.
After the bedtime routine, we sneak out some games and enjoy some adult time.
We even roll the dice on kitchen towels so that we are not discovered!
It’s a great time to enjoy each other and create some new memories of our own.
And it’s a great time to make some comments that show you see all that they do.
4. Cheer On Your Grown Kids In Front of the Grandkids!
Grandparents can be stereotypically role-cast as the people who let the grandkids do things their parents won’t let them do.
While I love to be someone who can give a little ‘extra’, whether it’s time for another story, a messy craft, a longer time at the park, etc… I never want to give my grandkids the impression that their parents’ rules aren’t to be followed.
Let’s support our grown kids on by supporting their parenting boundaries!
5. Consistency Is Key!
Let’s keep the encouragement flowing with some fun ideas to mix and match as we cheer them on!
Look for opportunities to send a ‘Great job, Mom’ or Way to go, Dad’ text.
Leave a voicemail with an encouraging message or prayer.
Send a photo of them at the same stage as their kids, and include ‘the story’ behind the photo. (You survived, and they will too!)
A quick piece of snail mail can be a great pick me up. It can be as simple as a postcard with a single encouraging or funny phrase.
READ: Celebrating the Moms of Our Grandkids
Bonus Snail Mail Ideas Based on the Phase Their Kids Are In!
Send your grown kids a snail mail care package when you know they are going ‘through it’ with the kids. Here are some ‘through the phases’ ideas:
- Parents of a newborn – a coffee card (if mom is cutting back, dad can use the card – at least someone might be awake besides baby!)
- Parents of teething little ones – holding a fussy little one makes preparing dinner extra hard. Consider a gift card for takeout, or send some disposable tableware (the compostable packs from Amazon can be there asap!). At least there are fewer dishes to wash!
- Parents, who are potty training – did you use a sticker chart during potty training days? How about sending a reward chart JUST for mom and dad? Send one or both of the charts below, along with a few of mom and dads favorite things…something to drink, snacks, new nail polish or lotion…as their little one becomes more ‘proficient’, the parents get a reward! And it can be their own little secret.
- Parents in the middle of extracurricular craziness – snacks to go, a certificate for a drive-thru, or maybe a carwash gift certificate since so much time is spent on the road.
- Parents helping with lots of pre-teen and teenage emotions – Do you remember the scene from Legally Blonde when Warner breaks up with Elle? There is a lot of chocolate involved. Mom and dad might also need a little chocolate during this tough phase of parenting.
- Parents who are getting ready to send the oldest off to college – a gift certificate for something mom and dad get to do on their own, a supply of pre-stamped postcards, or a new journal – for all the new adventures!
We’ll be cheering you on, as you encourage your kids and build a healthy relationship with your grown daughter!
As always, we love hearing from you, and learning about your challenges and celebrations as you carry out the very special role of a grandparent! After all, it is a role that is beyond rewarding!