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Please. Sorry. Thanks. These are words we have been trained to use all of our lives. In fact, our grandkids are learning to use them right now too.
I am currently reading a book with these words as it’s title – The Three Words That Change Everything Please Sorry Thanks by Mark Batterson.
Mark is a bestselling author and pastor of National Community Church in Washington D.C. I’ve been a fan of how his books cause me to think in new ways, and this book is no exception.
We have been taught, and continue to teach the use of these words because they are the ‘right’ words to use.
“Say please.”
“Tell your sister you are sorry.”
“Did you say thank you?”
But do we always remember, or even teach the impact these words should have on us, or the message they convey to others? Let’s take a look at the ‘backstory’ behind each of these words.
In This Post
Psychology of Please
Let’s start with Batterson’s ‘Psychology of Please’. We use the word please to get what we want in a more polite or socially acceptable way.
However, Batterson suggests that the use of please is really about setting aside our rights, and putting the ball in someone else’s court. It is relinquishing our demanding rights and giving someone else the upper hand.
Please can be viewed as a posture of humility.
How many times have I told my grown kids what they need to do instead of assuming a posture of humility and make a request.
Case in point. I know I have said “You need to look at your calendar and find a time when the girls and I can FaceTime.” Compare that to “Could the girls and I please FaceTime soon?”
The first comment is demanding and entitled. The second request uses what is called the law of reciprocity, or the golden rule. When someone is nice, we have an innate desire to be nice right back.
Treat people the way you want them to treat you. It starts with please!
The Science of Sorry
Often, we judge others rather than try to understand them. And apologies for our judgement may be in order.
Whether we are meeting someone new, or have known them for a lifetime, they may be fighting battles we know nothing about.
Batterson says “You are encountering the latest version of them, but they are endlessly complicated. They are every age up to their own!”
It’s important to remember that we are not continually physically present with our grown kids or our grandkids.
They have encountered and dealt with lots of things we may not have the inside scoop on – even in the last 24 hours!
Our grandkids are going through developmental stages at a rapid fire pace, and our grown kids are trying to keep up with it all.
Yet we can think that we are the ones who know it all, and can pick up an offense when they don’t do things as we suggest.
How much better would it be to be empathetic and apologetic for the stresses and situations they encounter?
Let’s take the time to listen and understand.
Batterson reminds us that society fights instead of forgives, judges instead of empathizes and cancels rather than cares. And too often, that societal tendency can also show up in our immediate family.
Let’s be parents and grandparents who are slow to judge, and great at saying we are sorry. And let’s be quick to offer the people we love a new chance.
The Attitude of Gratitude
Many studies show that an attitude of gratitude is good for our health. In fact, one study from Ohio State University says that “Stress is the single greatest determinant of aging. The antidote to stress is gratefulness.”
Well that is certainly a great reason to flip the script when I’m feeling ungrateful.
Batterson encourages us all to count our blessings, flip the blessing (send it on or back to someone else) and then ‘rinse and repeat’.
Let’s not miss the opportunity to model gratefulness in front of our families.
And by all means share with the grown kids and grandkids how grateful we are to be in their lives!
These three simple words really are powerful! I know that I am going to use them with much more intentionality moving forward, and I look forward to the changes it will make in the relationships that mean the most to me.