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Santa’s Coat
There is a bright orange safety vest that hangs on my husband’s side of the closet. My granddaughter Morgan is just positive that this is no ordinary safety vest. This is, in fact, Santa’s coat! She goes searching for it and tries it on almost every time she is in town. She loves the thought that maybe Santa lives here!
The Tension We Face
Does she think I’m Santa? No. But that’s a very visual reminder to me of one of the tensions that we face as grandparents. This tension is even greater for long distance grandparents who are trying to find ways to bridge the distance. It’s the tension of wanting to buy our grandkids special gifts or surprises and yet not have them think of us as a perpetual Santa Claus, who delivers (or has Amazon deliver) presents and special treats with each interaction.
I know that is a tension I face for sure!
I really don’t want the grandkids first thought to be, ‘When I see Amma, I get a gift!’ Now as I mentioned in the Let’s Talk Abut Money post, it’s definitely not my goal to never buy gifts or treat them to special surprises. I emphatically LOVE that part of being a grandparent!
Knowing WHY We Purchase
It’s more about me getting my thoughts in order about the reason I may be making the purchase. Because it is possible this purchase is more about my mindset then theirs. Could it be possible this purchase is about to be made out of my own fear, guilt or the need for approval?
Living miles away from our grandkids can cause us to fear that the relationship could be in danger. We can start to tell ourselves all kinds of stories like ‘They will forget me.’ ‘They won’t know how much I think about them and love them.’ ‘This is the only way I can keep up with family that lives closer.’ ‘If I don’t keep up with others my grandkids will think I don’t love them as much, and then they may not love me as much either!’
If we are the ones who moved, or are unable to visit often due to work schedules, we may think that sending gifts can help fill in for our absence. Or to put it simply we may think that presents can be a substitute for our presence. And actually, both grandparents and grandkids can begin to think that things equal love.
And who wants to dissapoint the grandkids? It’s difficult to not want their approval! Plus, they are pretty adorable when they ask for things. They can also be quite convincing in their reasoning for their current ‘need’.
The problem comes not with wanting a new thing, but with what happens when the unexpected becomes the expected, and the expected grows and grows. In an article in the Daily Mail, ‘The best gift to give your grandkids…’ Geraldine Bedell references Sue Firth who says: ‘Spoiling happens when adults are afraid to disappoint children, and that can occur over all sorts of things.” This need for approval leads to the relationship becoming increasingly contractual, which isn’t healthy at all.
So once we deal with own thoughts, what’s next? Because again, treating our grandkids is, and should be fun! Here are four steps to consider.
4 Steps for Checking Your Mindset
Talk To Your Adult Kids First
Talk with your grown kids. Get on the same page about what is acceptable. Talk about the fact that you enjoy purchasing some extras but that you want to do it in a way that brings you joy and also supports their parenting style.
Understanding Need VS Want
Realize kids don’t always need what they say they do. Children can’t often distinguish between wants and needs. In the article Talking to Kids About Wants vs. Needs, Amy Morin, LCW shares with parents in regard to their daughter that “Whether she asks for a new toy or she’s begging for a new necklace, saying no sometimes will remind her that she doesn’t need those things. When you teach your child the difference between wants and needs, she’ll be more content with what she has. And you’ll be more likely to raise a child who becomes a content, financially responsible adult.”
Kids will most likely forget about the ‘needed’ item quickly in the midst of other fun interactions. It’s sure hard to say no as a grandparent. I try to do it as little as possible and often add “not this time”, but this was good for me to understand! It is important to remember that influencing our grandkids toward a healthy financial future is a valuable, although definitely deferred, gift worth giving.
Include Grandkids On Your Personal Shopping Trips When They Visit
If you see your grandkids semi-regularly, include them on a shopping trip to purchase items they get to use at your house. This provides you both with a fun activity to do together (whether in person or online). It also helps parents not to have to load as much stuff for a trip!
We have started a collection of art supplies, a few books, a paw patrol helicopter, and a special fuzzy blanket to snuggle up in when we get to visit face to face. Our granddaughter loves seeing those items make an appearance when we are videochatting and they are also a fun little reminder of previous time spent together.
Get Creative With Low or No Cost Ideas
Look for innovative and low or no cost ways to build relationship with your grandkids. In our Grandparenting Roadmap we share three principles that we believe are important for building relationships along with some ideas to implement them. These principles support the low or no cost mindset.
We need to show up consistently, mindfully, and spontaneously. This concept has been so helpful to me and has really helped me expand my view of how I can be an important person in their lives!
So the next time you are ready to meet a need (either yours or your grandkids) take a moment to check your mindset before swiping. If it feels right, celebrate your purchase and enjoy it fully!
Whether you say yes or no, the most important thing to remember is that no matter how great the distance between you, your love is what they really need. I am committed to keep learning how to deliver love from a distance, and also to keeping ‘Santa’s coat’ visible in our closet!
