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Ideas for Using Your Grandkids and Grown Kids Love Languages
When my kids were in school, my parents would treat us all to little shopping trip each August. This was one of the most looked forward to events before the new school year began.
We would pack our bags. My parents would reserve 2 hotel rooms and we would drive to a ‘big city’. While there we would purchase school supplies, enjoy lunch at a restraunt, and select a couple new outfits for the school year.
My kids both loved this whole trip, but the things they loved most about it were different. Amanda loved the shopping portion of the trip. Having her grandparents generously gift just the right notebooks and binders was so exciting! Our son, on the other hand, loved the car ride and eating pizza in the hotel room with grandma and grandpa. This trip, and the things they loved most, were a constant through their high school years! It was also an insight into the ways my kids felt loved.
It’s been quite a few years since I took a look at the different ways people feel the most loved. Gary Chapman and Ross Capbell, wrote about this in a book called ‘The 5 Love Languages’ years ago. Even if you don’t agree with the faith components of the book, I believe there is something important about recognizing these love languages and being intent on communicating our love to our grandkids in lots of different ways.
The languages are described as physical touch, words of affimation, quality time, gifts, and acts of service. We’re going to look at 3 of these languages this week, and finish the rest up next week. We’ll be sharing some practical ideas of how you can integrate them into your interactions with your grandkids. You might get some insight into your grown kids current love language as well!
While it’s fun to try and pinpoint your grandchild’s (or your grown kids) love language, it’s important to remember that we all really do need each language, especially at a young age. It also seems true that preferences begin to emerge as kids get older, and can change as seasons of life change. If you want to check out one of the available quizzes online, you can do that right here.
Physical Touch
Thank goodness that holding and snuggling our kids and grandkids when they are little is almost built in! Many studies have confirmed that healthy physical touch is a necessity for human development! As kids grow, there is still a need for this language. Some kids will always love hello and goodbye hugs, but not all will.
Smalley and Campbell explain that it is a mistake to believe that the latter group of kids don’t need physical touch any longer. Instead, it might just look different. The kid who doesn’t come in for a hug might be the same kid who loves to play football and wrestle. So look for new ways to express this love language as your grandkids grow. Here are some ideas that express physical touch based on a list from ‘5 Love Languages’:
- a pat on the back
- high five
- secret handshake
- songs/games that require clapping hands together. Check out 6 Fun Hand Clapping Games to Teach Your Children
- have some special blankets for them to use when visiting
- purchase a gift that is touch oriented, like a soft pillow or sweater
Words of Affirmation
We’ve all heard the phrase ‘words mean things’. A child will experience the benefit of words of affirmation for their entire life. Chapman and Campbell point out that it is important to remember the difference between expressing our appreciation for who they are, vs praise for what they do. It’s fun to celebrate our grandkids accomplishments, we just need to make sure that we are also affirming who they are. Our grandkids must never think our kind words only come because of something they’ve done.
When we affirm our grandkids for who they are and also the choices and accomplishments they are making, they are learning valuable skills that will help them develop healthy relationships with others. Letting them know we are proud of them for the kindness they showed to someone who needed help both expresses our love for them through words of affirmation and it also encourages them that they can make a difference in the life of another person. Ultimately increasing the likelihood of such actions continuing!
In general, grownups are often known for their ‘don’t do’s’ instead of their ‘do’s. As kids get older it can be easy for adults to look at their grandkid’s peers and say “I hope you don’t do this…..go there….dress like that….”. The authors indicate that a better path to take using our words would be to express concern for the hurt and pain in someone else’s life.
It would be nuch better to say “I am concerned about the article I read of kids your age who (_______), or “Your story about your friend who ________ makes my heart hurt. It is sad to me that they feel this is an option, and I want you to know the value and future that I see in you….” Speaking in this way will make it more likely they will hear what you are saying.
OK – now here are some fun ways to share words of affirmation from the ‘5 Love Languages of Chapman’s list:
- Send some notes for your grown kids to place in your grandkids lunch box, backpack or place on their nightstand.
- Affirm their grownup hopes with what you see in them. If they say “I’d like to be a teacher.” you can say, “I think you would make a good teacher! Teacher’s are patient, and I’ve seen you be patient when….”
- Send an encouraging text message to/for them
- Hang their artwork in a prominent location. If you are separated by distance, send them a picture of where you’ve placed it)
- If you live nearby, write a message of encouragement in sidewalk chalk in front of their house. Check with your grown kids first! And if they say yes, you could write a message for them as well!
- When they make a mistake, acknowledge their good intentions
Quality Time
This is the primary language in our home. In fact, I had my grown kids take the quiz again while preparing to write this blog, and all three of us had this as our top way to receive love. While receiving gifts used to be Amanda’s top language, we all agree that the change may have occurred due to their move away from her hometown and the fact that she is a crazy busy mom! We’ll see what happens in the future!
Kids will explain their love for quality time by simply saying ‘They do things with me!” There are a couple of key components we want to point out that go along with being together. They include eye contact and quality conversation. Chapman explains that “quality time means doing things together, but it is a means for knowing your child better. As you spend time with your children, you will find that a natural result is good conversation about everything related to your lives.” These conversations will help them learn to share their feelings, build friendships, and get along with co-workers. They’ll learn to respect ideas that are different, and understand what it looks like too disagree without being disagreeable!
Here’s the best news. Kids never outgrow their need for quality conversation! Here are some ideas to help you use this love language through the years:
- Turn off your phone/other electronics while you are in conversation with them
- When you ask questions, phrase them in a way that doesn’t have a yes or no answer
- Schedule time with them, for example I might have ‘Amma Time’ on the calendar each Friday at 3:30 P.M., and of course this can be in person or virtual
- Create an area in your home where you can go to play or read a book – when Morgan comes to visit this means blankets over the piano, with plenty of books to read as we hunker down in our fort.
- Share meals as a family – again, in person or virtually. Our family has ‘dinner with Alexa’ periodically.
- Just spend time together – even if you aren’t doing the same thing. Today when Morgan had me on speaker phone, she was using her magnetic blocks, and I was chopping onions! She just wanted me to be with her while she played.
In part two, we’ll finish up the remaining two love languages (gifts and acts of service), and share some clues we can look for as we determine our grandkid’s and grown kid’s primary language!
In the meantime, we’re including a traditional Snowman ‘guess the word’ game that many of us grew up playing. You can download it for free below, and use it for some quality time!
Fun idea: choose a ‘word of affirmation’ for them to guess that points to a quality you love about them!