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We love hearing from you and celebrating along with you as you share a connection win with your grandkids. Struggles are also part of life so we are honored that you share those with us as well.
We all know that relationships are of utmost importance in our families, and we long for them to be at their best. We also know that isn’t always the way things are. Add the additional stress of the last two years, and it is no surprise that many of you requested ideas for having difficult conversations with your grown kids.
So today, we’re going to walk through seven things to remember as we navigate the not-so-fun times with our kids.
1. Remember What You Want To Pass On
As grandparents, one of the things that top our list is leaving a legacy. Carefully consider if the situation at hand is worth addressing. I often think to myself “Would I want this to be what is remembered about me in 50 years?” As we said when our kids were little, is this a critical issue? Does this really need to be addressed?
When you determine that something is worthy of addressing, look at it as an act of kindness, rather than an act of war. Being kind means holding accountable, or challenging a situation that could have negative consequences if it isn’t addressed.
A good test to give yourself is if you are wanting to make someone feel bad or guilty, it wouldn’t qualify as an act of kindness!
2. Think Before We Speak
This age-old phrase is still valuable today! We need to ask ourselves as we engage in tough conversations if the words that are leaving our mouths are going to contribute positively or negatively to the relationship.
This does not mean we can’t express our views and values, but it does mean that the manner in which we do so is extremely important. Jennifer Kolari in an interview with Carey Nieuwhof about diffusing conflict at work and home using the CALM technique says “If you are free-flow yelling and it feels great, it’s wrong.”
A technical win after verbal sparring is not worth the relational cost.
3. Talk With Them – Don’t Dictate
The days of telling our grown kids what to do are long gone. Take the time to set aside distractions, and have a respectful back and forth conversation.
4. Lower Your Tongue
Conflict creates a physical response. Our bodies naturally sense a fear of some type. Maybe it’s the fear of what people will think or the fear of a lost relationship, we’ve all been there.
The ability to calm our physical bodies down will help us navigate tough conversations.
Kolari also teaches that when you feel yourself tensing up emotionally try lowering your tongue. Just rest your tongue by your bottom teeth, and you’ll feel the difference! This is a great way to keep yourself calm in an emotionally charged situation. (I tried this – it’s true!)
5. Don’t Defend Yourself
These words were shared with me early in my career, and I have turned to them many times both professionally and personally.
Especially when it comes to family, they’ve known and watched you for years.
Let your defenses down, and hear them out.
6. Listen
Often our disagreements are about techniques or how problems should be solved, rather than about the actual problem or goal.
Listen closely.
You may actually be trying to get to the same place, and you might just see the very values you instilled in your kids being shared back with you, just expressed a little differently. Communicate that! (“I see now that our goal is to keep the kids safe…..we both want the same thing.”)
It may help diffuse the situation and can get you back to some common ground and help both sides respect the other’s stance a whole lot better.
7. Estranged Relationships
Sometimes relationships have experienced accumulated hurt, resulting in especially strained, or even estranged relationships.
We understand the grief this causes. The initiative and time necessary for the possibility of reconciliation may be long and full of ups and downs.
However, we have heard many stories of relationships restored that we can’t end this post without pointing you to some resources if you are in this situation.
Know that our thoughts are with you as you consider your next steps!
Family Estrangement:
6 Ways to Reconcile With Adult Children
Estranged From Your Adult Child? 5 Things You Can Do
How To Reconcile With Your Estranged Adult Child
I hope these tips will help you, as they are helping me. Remember to keep the most important things in mind as we navigate tough conversations with our grown kids.
It’s sure not always easy, but it is definitely worth it!