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One of our values at Over the River is to encourage grandparents to be ‘their best self’. That means that every once in awhile, we write about something that is more about us, than it is about our grandkids. Today is one of those days. This is a tough post to write, as it is a post about grief – specifically helping a grieving friend.
It’s something we all have faced, or will face at some point.
The other day though, it hit close to home and I found myself looking for resources that would help me help a friend in the midst of grief.
You see, part of being my best self is learning how to serve others well in their time of need.
My phone lit up on a Sunday afternoon and I looked down to see the picture of a good friend.
When I answered, expecting to hear a cheery voice, it was quiet. Had she accidentally pressed the call button?
Then I heard crying.
After a long pause, she let me know through broken words, that her heart was also breaking.
They had just received word that they had lost a 12 year old girl in their family to a tragic accident.
I had no words.
We cried together.
We prayed together.
And then we ended the call.
As I set my phone down, I felt so empty handed.
I know that in times like this there really are no words or actions that can make everything better.
Grief is like that.
There are plenty of official sounding definitions of grief. Yet the one that speaks to me is that grief is ‘love with no place to go’.
No wonder we feel so lost. So lost for words. So disoriented, and lacking the sense of what to do ‘next’.
However, as we sit in the midst of pain with our friends and family, what are some helpful things to know?
While this post does not address stages of grief or actually anything at a ‘deep’ level, I thought I would share with you five very practical things that stood out to me as I looked for ways to help my grieving friend.
In This Post
1. Don’t share what isn’t yours to share.
My first thought when we ended our conversation was should I tell someone else?
But that news was not mine to share.
I’ve heard too many stories of people who have heard bad news from someone who should not have known what happened before them, or news getting out that the person grieving wanted to share in their own way.
And not sharing includes not posting anything on social media – no pictures, no vague messages.
No matter how wonderfully intended they may be. Just wait.
2. Don’t avoid helping a grieving friend.
Sometimes when it comes to helping a grieving friend we don’t know what to do or say, and we can unconsciously take a step back.
Instead, keep up the interactions and look for clues of what would be helpful.
Sending a ‘thinking of you’ text is a great way to let them know you really are thinking of them, and those brief words may open the door to further conversation.
3. Listen.
When you do have the chance to be with them, give them the wonderful gift of listening. They may share their heartache, how they are coping, or some favorite memories…give them time and space.
It’s okay if there are quiet moments. Just be there.
4. Do what only you can do.
As you consider your response, do what you can do.
Do you love cooking? Drop off a meal.
Working outside? Give them a call and say you have two hours on Friday, and would love to drop by and do whatever – they don’t even need to be there.
Do you write poems? Write one for them.
Always on the run? Offer to run errands.
Enjoy selecting special gifts? Drop off a basket of items you know they love.
Give a family vouchers for something they enjoy.
5. Offer an ‘emergency’ code.
I have a different friend going through a very tough time. While it’s not a death, it certainly is a time of loss and grieving what could have been.
We have a code.
If she texts our unique three letter code, I do whatever I can do to drop everything, even if it is for just a moment, and connect with her.
She’s only used it once, but says that just having it and knowing there is someone on the other end who will respond helps so much.
What about the kids experiencing grief?
If I could make anything be true, it would be that kids would never experience grief, but we know that cannot be a reality.
When helping a grieving friend, many times there are also kids involved one way or another.
Read: 8 Considerations for Grandparents in Response to Tragedy
I want to share with you a book that we have turned to for years in our work at church with families and children.
I would call it an introductory resource.
The book covers various areas of crises in addition to grieving the death of a loved one.
You can find it at many bookstores, but I’ve linked it to Amazon here: Comforting Children In Crisis.
May the times you need the ideas in this post be exceedingly rare, but when they arise, our prayer is that you will be a tremendous source of love in the life of someone who is hurting.