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The Questions They Are Asking & How Grandparents Can Respond
We’ve reached the final part in our “What are they thinking?” series, and thus the final phase in our grandchildren’s school years. It’s time to talk about the high school years.
If you’ve missed any of the three previous posts, where we’ve gone through the relational questions preschoolers through middle schoolers are asking, you can access them here:
This final phase, the high school years, brings out all the emotions in me!
There are still lots of ‘firsts’ like getting a drivers license, landing that after school job, and applying for colleges.
But there are also all of the ‘lasts’ like the last time you drive them to school or pick them up from sports, the last concert, the last game…it can be quite an emotional time for sure as parents reconcile the responsibilities of still raising kids with preparing to release them at the same time!
In the book “It’s Just a Phase” by Reggie Joiner and Kirsten Ivy, they state that highschoolers need to resolve relational questions such as “Where?”, “Why?”, “How?” and “What?”.
It is their ability to address these questions that “provides a compass for navigating their future direction. It affects the way they pursue community, live out a personal ethic, and contribute to a greater mission.”
And how do we as grandparents support them as they address these questions?
During the high school years, we do all we can to mobilize their potential.
Let’s take a look at these questions one at a time.
Where do I belong?
As they enter the high school years, freshman are often looking for a group of teens with similar interests. And as they identify that group they learn to value community.
Why should I believe?/Why can’t I?
This is a time of life when highschoolers, especially sophomores, will more blatantly challenge the limits or question the worldview in which they were raised.
How can I matter?
High schoolers are ready to make a difference. And they don’t want to wait until after they graduate! As they learn to serve and lead at this young age, they are refining skills!
What will I do?
Seniors are figuring out where they are headed. As they experiment and narrow there options, they will be able to create a vision for themselves.
So how do we mobilize their potential throughout the high school years?
- Show interest in the groups they are involved in – how did they choose the groups they are in? What are their similar interests?
2. If they share something they are working through, ask them if they have some ideas about how they will create a solution to the challenge.
3. Heap on the praise, and make it specific to what they are accomplishing. We love the ‘you’re awesome’ cards, but don’t miss including the things they are doing or skills they are exhibiting that spark the praise.
4. Don’t miss the milestones – the drivers permit, the drivers license, a special dance, any awards they may receive (check with mom and dad, because they probably won’t tell you themselves!), their first job, acceptance to college, and of course….graduation!
5. Freak out on the inside! (Possibly some of the best parenting advice I ever received!) Should they question the worldview with which they have been raised, or break some news to you that you weren’t expecting, remain calm.
Listen to their questions and thoughts, share some situations you struggled with at their age, ask them questions that help them further clarify their thoughts, and tell them you are always available to talk.
Then most importantly assure them that your love for them has not changed.
6. As they share possible career directions, you may know someone that they can talk to – not necessarily to land their dream job out of high school, but to get a feel for the path they took, and what their job is like on a day to day basis.
7. If they fill you in on what trade school or college they hope to attend, feel free to check it out online, and offer your observations, but we have to keep our ‘don’t go here, or I hope you’ll get in there’ thoughts to ourselves.
A Dose of Conversation Reality
One thing we want to be real about is that sometimes getting conversations going with teenagers is a little tough!
I read a funny meme recently that says “no need to worry about your teenagers when they’re out….they all go to the same place “out” and they all do the same thing “nothing”!
So in addition to the tips above that help our grandchildren answer the relational questions they are asking during the high school years, we thought we’d share “5 Rules to Get the Conversation Started” from Adventures in NanaLand. I love the humor, practicality and very real life approach this article takes!
As I mentioned above, this is an incredibly exciting, and at least for me gut wrenching phase. Cue the Subaru commercial when the dad watches his daughter drive out on her own for the first time!
So now let’s talk about how we can we support our grown kids as they parent during the highs school years.
Supporting Your Grown Kids as They Parent a High Schooler
- Encouragement cards are always spot on – especially when you can connect them to a new or milestone event.
2. In that card, or letter, or phone or text conversation (so many options!) recount a story of how you felt as you parented them during this phase. That you understand their concerns and the times that were exciting.
Tell them again how proud you are of them for grabbing the reigns of growing up even though there were so many times we wished we could just keep them home and safe forever, even though we all know full well that is not the goal!
3. Send a gift card for a night out to a favorite restaurant, tickets to a game or some movie money. As the kids get older, their parents often need to re-learn that there is a really great life out there that doesn’t always include our kids. (But I will still drop everything if they want to come ‘home’ for a visit!)
4. Remind them that they will always be needed, just needed differently. As this article from NBC news states, “Parenting kids over 18 is still parenting. You just get less control and the stakes are higher”. While that is both funny and a bit nerve wracking at the same time, it is a great reminder to our grown kids (and maybe to us) that we are still important!
What that means is that while this “What are they Thinking?” series is in the books so to speak, our opportunities to support our grown children as they continue to parent, and to continue to build a relationship with our grandkids, even though we may live at a distance, will never be complete! And I’m ok with that!
