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What Are They Thinking?
How many times have you wondered this regarding your grandkids (or your own kids)? Whether it’s from a standpoint of absolute awe or complete bewilderment, there are times we would just love to get inside their heads!
We’re beginning a series based on content from the book “It’s Just a Phase So Don’t Miss it”, by Reggie Joiner and Kristen Ivy. They share that “This project includes hundreds of hours of research and interviews. We’ve met with over a dozen licensed professional counselors, and surveyed 250 state teachers of the year”. That’s a lot of research behind this great content!
Amanda and I lean heavily on this research in our “day jobs” in ministry to families. I also know this content has benefited me in my relationship with my grandkids and how I support their parents (my grown kids) too!
The Four Part Series
This four part series will begin with kids ages birth through four years of age. This just happens to be the phase both of my granddaughters are currently in!
We so anticipate the milestones we see in those first few years. Smiling, rolling over, sitting up, crawling, standing, walking and then running so fast we can hardly keep up!
We love their gaze and tiny newborn cry that transforms into conversations over FaceTime. Later on it’s so exciting to hear about the beginning of their academic careers in preschool (or jr. preschool in my oldest granddaughter’s case!)
Kids in each phase are seeking answers to relational questions. The responses they receive to these questions help build the foundation for their future.
So let’s get to it! What are kids in the early childhood phase asking?
Three Questions Preschoolers Are Asking
Let’s take a look at the three questions Ivy and Joiner identify in the preschool phase, and identify some action steps specifically for long distance grandparents. We can take action to respond to these questions, and to support their parents as well!
Question #1 – Am I Safe?
Almost everything we do for babies in their first year involves answering that question.
I have often said that our kids will always need us, they will just need us differently. But, oh my goodness the way parents are needed in that first year is definitely in a category all by itself!
Those precious little ones are completely dependent on others ensuring they are fed, bathed, moved safely from place to place, engaged with, comforted, helped to sleep…the list can go on and on.
The manner in which they are cared for in their first year helps answer ‘Am I safe?’, and when that question is answered in the affirmative, according to Ivy and Joiner, a baby begins to develop trust.
So what can we do, especially as long distance grandparents during this phase?
Action Steps for Question #1 – Am I Safe
While there is not a lot we can do from a distance to physically answer the “Am I Safe?” question babies are asking, we can do many things to help the parents during this first year.
1. Be interested before offering advice
Parents can experience overwhelm with the amount of advice they receive from every avenue of life.
They are trying desperately to do what is best for their baby. Don’t pile on with even more advice, or minimize the importance of their decisions. Instead, just be interested as they share why they chose ‘this carseat’ and how ‘this toy’ will help their hand eye coordination.
Listen to their concern about food choices, and sleep patterns. And then, when they do ask, feel free to share and offer advice.
2. Hire help if you can
If you can’t be there in person to help with the newborn phase, consider some of these ideas from More Than Grand in one of her recent blog posts. Mother’s Helpers: Services to Help New Parents and Hiring a Sleep Consultant: Another Way for Grandparents to Help.
If you do plan to make the trip and help in person, these ideas are great to keep in your back pocket. It’s a way to help some really tired parents at some point during this phase.
3. Babyproof & privacy
Prepare an area of your home to allow parents and baby privacy and comfort.
Perhaps invest in a pack and play for baby to sleep in. Now hold on, this blog is for long distance grandparents right? Am I missing something? Nope, even as a long distance grandparent I have supplies. I keep a few diapers, wipes, toys, a pack and play and booster seat.
The way baby toys are made these day makes everything really easy to pack up and store away. I know my kids really appreciate not having to bring absolutely everything with them as they travel.
So I highly encourage the purchasing basic items. We want their trip to be as easy as possible!
4. Let them sleep!
The parents, that is…Ask them to share their schedule with you. Are their times it is best to have a quick facetime visit?
5. Flexibility is key
Babies don’t announce ahead of time when they decide to change their schedules. An encouraging “I understand” when a planned virtual call needs to be changed will go miles toward scheduling the next call.
6. Encourage, encourage, encourage
For most of us, frequent visits in person are just not an option. We can, however, frequently encourage them in this first year (and every year after that).
To help you do that we’ve created some encouragement cards just for you to send your kids as they parent during this age 0-4 phase! You can access them below!
7. Give practically
Send mom and dad a gift card they can use for curbside or drive through pickup. It might be just the thing they need after a long day (and night) of parenting.
Okay, now onto relational question number two!
Question #2 – Am I Able?
Toddlers want to do everything themselves. (Do I even need to continue?)
I will, because oh the patience it takes for our kids to allow this to happen and to endure the messes and frustrations that happen along the way as they parent. You remember those days don’t you?
Whether it’s feeding themselves, wanting to dress themselves or attempting the buckles in their carseat (I hear about this one a lot right now), parents have to be ready for everything to take longer.
According to Ivy and Joiner, “when adults patiently allow toddlers to try new things, toddlers develop confidence.
All this patience can leave a parent exhausted in a new way. And as long distance grandparents, we are about to become super valuable.
Action Steps for Question #2 – Am I Able
1. Pull out the tricks
We have decades of tricks up our sleeves for grabbing the attention of little ones, and aren’t exhausted from the 24/7 job of parenting.
Offer to be available by phone to do some quick entertaining. Obviously their parents can’t leave the room yet, but singing silly songs, showing off some stuffed animals, and making fish lips with your toddler aged grandchild may be just enough of a help for the parents to complete a quick little task.
Don’t expect to be able to see them back, if you are on a mobile device most of your time will be spent looking at the ceiling, not your grandchild, but just continue on!
2. Plan for tardiness
If you have something scheduled with them, whether in person or virtually, be prepared for them to be late. Your grandchild is probably trying to do something themselves. Just keep thinking of how your patience is increasing their confidence!
3. More babyproofing
Will they be visiting you in during those first couple of years? As long distance grandparents “babyproofing” may not be at the top of our list.
We also don’t want the time at our homes to be one long challenge of keeping our toddler grandchild safe and out of potentially dangerous or breakable things.
Before they arrive, put away anything that could seriously harm them, or that you would be devastated to see topple over and break. Invest in a few developmentally appropriate toys so they have less to bring.
4. Cheer them (your toddler grandchild) on
When they demonstrate their newfound abilities, cheer them on…..again, and again and again!
Question #3 – Am I Okay?
The last relational question kids ask in the preschool phase is ‘Am I okay?’ Ivy and Joiner share that when “a preschooler is three or four, they learn a few rules and expectations. When adults set boundaries and discipline with love, preschoolers cultivate self-control.”
During this phase they are sorting out a lot of information, like why it’s ok to go down the slide, but not up it. Why do they need to take a bath, but are not allowed to give their stuffed animals baths?
Parents spend a lot of time answering ‘why’ and clarifying expectations. What does this mean for long distance grandparents?
Action Steps for Question #3 – Am I Okay
1. Emphasize what’s true
Preschool imaginations are delightful. The last time my three year old granddaughter Morgan was here, she and my husband set up an elaborate Thomas the Train layout. She informed us that the train was going to Bethlehem to pick up baby Jesus. There’s no need to correct that. We can simply find what is true within her story and emphasize that instead.
2. Teach honesty according to mom & dad’s rules
Preschoolers also need to learn what it means to be honest about their behavior. Talk with your grandchild’s parents about what that converstion looks like in their home, and follow their guidelines. It could look something like, “In our family, if we break something, we say, ‘I did it.’ That’s telling the truth. And then we clean it up together!”
3. Virtually babysit
This phase is an especially great time to offer to ‘virtually babysit’ while the grownups in the house accomplish something nearby on their to do list (or maybe there’s a new baby in the mix that needs feeding or changing). You can read stories, play simple games, sing songs, take them on a tour of your house, or enjoy a snack together.
A Unique Opportunity To Support
Am I safe? Am I able? Am I ok? What a pleasure it is to be part of the response to these relational questions and to support our grown children too. While I know these questions are from the preschooler’s point of view, I wonder if they aren’t also the questions new parents are asking too. We have a unique opportunity, even from a distance to offer support that not only bridges the distance, but can also bridge generations!
