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Sidestep the Eggshells and Set Yourself Up for Success
When our kids go from being ‘our kids’ to having the title of parents, with kids of their own, a shift happens in our relationship. As grandparents, (who are positively over the moon with our new title) we have a very important opportunity to set the tone for this new season. That opportunity is one of support for these new parents.
Unfortunate Examples of What Not To Do
Recently I read a laundry list of questions that were submitted to a relationship expert. Some questions were from grandparents, and others were from parent. All had the same bottom line. How do we solve ‘_____’ without damaging our relationship?
There were dilemmas such as grandparents being banned from entering the house because they were 15 minutes late for their appointed time, and the baby was now asleep. One of the questions I read resulted from grandparents who purchased a kid sized motorized ATV for their grandkids to use at their house, however they did so without getting parents approval. There were questions from grandparents who were upset when the parents did not want their kids eating their non-organic food, and parents that expected grandparents to babysit frequently with little notice.
I could have scrolled for an hour and not reached the end of the questions.
Setting the Tone of Support
Because we are long distance grandparents we’re immune from all this drama, right? Not quite. Clear communication and healthy boundaries are just as important when there is physical distance between parents and grandparents. Because the time we have together is less frequent, the toll that poor communication can take on the relationship is high.
You’ll find plenty of articles about boundaries in grandparenting online, including this one from Debbie Pincus. It is full of tips for both grandparents and parents.
Four Key Areas for Discussion
In this post we are going to focus on four key areas where you should have a discussion with your kids. These are not check the box conversations. They can occur initially when your kids become parents, and then periodically you’ll need to have them again as the grandkids are growing up.
1. How Often to Communicate with Grandkids
While long distance grandparents may not need to have discussions about how often they visit, or how often they’re asked to babysit, it’s important to set some expectations regarding communication.
Our ‘visits’ will more often than not be based on the use of phones or video chat apps. For some families multiple calls a day are normal, while others are good with a conversation every couple of weeks. If the latter is the case for you, make some notes in between phone calls of news to share, or ideas of topics to talk about with the grandkids.
Remember to be okay leaving a voicemail or sending a text and not getting an immediate response. Our kids are busy. They are juggling careers, crazy schedules, and raising kids. And above all, resist the urge to communicate anything negative in your mesaging. They’ll be far more likely to respond!
2. Planning Visits
Planning a visit with grandkids is a big deal when you are a long distance grandparent. Make sure that everyone checks their calendars, and then double checks them again! Also, once you are together, the best thing you can do is support your kids. This means at meal times, bedtimes and all the in between times. It can be easy to expect the rules to be changed because we are there, but when the visit is over we get in our cars or board a plane, and it’s our kids who will be there getting everyone back to normal.
3. Purchasing Power
As long distance grandparents, it can be easy to attempt to make up for a lack of time together by using our purchasing power. Whether we take them shopping when we are together, or use the power of Amazon to send gifts to their home, make sure you are on the same page with their parents on this. The gifts will be much more welcome if we check in with their parents first! And when we make a habit of asking first, they will be more likely to love the occasional ‘special gift’ .
4. Newborns & How to Ask Questions
When our daughter was pregnant with her first baby, I did some reading about caring for newborns. Oh my how times have changed! It is important, especially because we are not with them frequently, that we seek to understand and support their methods of parenting. It’s okay to be curious and ask questions from the position of understanding, but then cheer them on as they work hard to use best practices raising their kids.
They’ll come to you for help when they need it, and will be far more likely to do so if they believe they will not be judged. If this is your first grandbaby and you would like to study up on some of the latest advice for baby’s first year, Baby 411 and What to Expect the First Year are a couple of great choices!
Be the Best Cheerleader!
Sometimes it might feel like you are walking on eggshells as you learn your job description as a grandparent, and that can be frustrating. The good news is that as we defer to the wishes of our adult kids, and cheer them on as they learn their job descriptions as parents, we are actually putting ourselves in the drivers seat to develop a fabulous relationship with our grandkids. And that is the best part of the job!