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When parents and grown children struggle to maintain a healthy relationship with each other it’s hard on everyone. The importance of maintaining relationships with adult kids cannot be emphasized enough.
When we consider the possibility of the relationship with grandchildren being hindered because of tension and disagreements between adults, it brings new importance to the role of grandparents as reconcilers.
The Accounting Analogy
In accounting environments reconciling the books is what helps identify errors, irregularities, and needed adjustments. It’s a way of looking at two sets of documents to make sure they are in agreement.
‘Reconciling’ is often seen as a monumental event.
However, if we look at it from the perspective of accounting, it can be a much more frequent practice.
This practice, when applied to our interactions with grown kids, will keep our relationship in balance.
It will also increase the probability of bringing a strained or broken relationship back into alignment.
3 Steps in Moving Toward Reconciliation
In light of this accounting analogy, we want to offer these corresponding steps to help you move forward in the practice of reconciliation with your grown kids.
1. Identify Errors
Your own, that is. Don’t ever hesitate to apologize. Don’t defend yourself.
No matter how small you may think the issue is, how long ago it occurred, or any other reason you feel that they should just get over it, simply apologize.
Then ask if there is anything you can do to make it right.
If your kids were in the wrong, don’t force an apology.
Instead, you can choose to forgive and move on.
Trust me, choosing to forgive will make you feel so much better! It’s not worth holding onto an offense when important relationships are at stake.
2. Watch Out For Irregularities
In accounting, this can come from omitting information in an area.
It could be looked at as poor communication.
We all know what a huge factor communication plays in relationships.
When we fail to share, or when our grown kids fail to share important information with us, it’s easy to get sideways with each other.
It’s easy to take it personally, and make it a far bigger deal than it ever needed to be!
As grandparents who want to be good communicators, let’s include our kids in more than just the absolute ‘need to know’ information.
Sometimes it’s that extra two minutes on the phone or the picture you text that makes the family feel included.
Encourage your grown kids to do the same.
This intentionality will go far in keeping relationships from getting off track.
If you haven’t yet, read COMM 100: Ground Rules for Grandparenting for more helpful tips on communication with kids and grandkids.
3. Make Necessary Adjustments
When we identify the source of an error in accounting, we adjust it, creating a reconciled account.
And the more often the books are reconciled, the easier it is to keep things on track.
The same holds true for our relationship with our grown kids.
From time to time, have a conversation and ask for feedback of how things are going relationally.
Ask what you can do on your end that would be helpful or could make the relationship even better.
Is it Too Late to Reconcile?
If you are in the midst of an estranged relationship, express your desire for reconciliation to your adult kids, and place the ball in their court.
Then, continue to do what you can to stay in a relationship with your grandchild. Facetime them if permitted, send them snail mail, and keep up to date with their schedules as best you can.
Whatever you do, do not put your grandkids in the middle of the tension that exists between you and your grown kids.
Sometimes, there are many factors that play into the tension in a relationship, and it will take time to reconcile.
At Over the River, we are all about bridging the distance, and usually, that means the literal physical miles between us and our grandkids.
In the case of strained relationships, however, it is a different kind of distance that we are striving to alleviate.
Reconciliation is very important and also sometimes a tough thing to do.
I would encourage you to take up the role of reconciler in your family. Life is too short, and the relationship with grandkids is far too important to do anything else!
More on Reconciling
For further reading, Ken Canfield, in his article “Three Ways to be a Peace-Making Grandparent, offers guidance for grandparents in keeping things “harmonious, or at least manageable”.
Susan Stiffelman wrote an article titled Healing Relationships Between Parents and Grandparents that includes 10 steps toward reconciliation.
Both articles are extremely insightful and practical and will be great resources for you as you work toward maintaining relationships with your adult children.