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3 Relational Questions your Elementary Grandchild is Asking & How to Respond
Welcome to Part 2 of our ‘What Are They Thinking’ series, where we are taking a look at the relational questions our grandkids are asking as they grow up. All the way from the preschool phase to the high school phase, we believe understanding these questions help us relate better to them, and helps us support their parents as well. This post is all about the elementary phase!
Preschool Phase Recap
The title of the book this series is based on is “It’s Just a Phase So Don’t Miss It”. We loved this resource from the moment we laid eyes on it because we love thinking of that phrase “it’s just a phase” in a new light. So let’s dive in!
In Part 1, “How Preschoolers Think Relationally” we identified the three relational questions going through the minds of kids from birth through the preschool years.
To quickly recap, they are 1. ‘Am I safe?’, 2. ‘Am I able?’ and 3. ‘Am I okay?’ You can read some great action steps we can follow to respond to those questions in this blog post.
What Develops in the Elementary Phase?
This week we are taking a look at the elementary phase, Kindergarten through 5th grade.
According to Reggie Joiner and Kirsten Ivy “In the elementary years, a child develops skills and competencies that equip their future. The way a child resolves the ‘DO I have’ questions of these phases provides them with critical knowledge and resources. It shapes their perception of personal ability, comparative value, and resilience.”
It is during these years that kids move from the desire to be seen by adults and others who care for them, to also wanting to be seen by peers.
Question #1 – Do I have your attention?
During Kindergarten and first-grade kids desire attention and approval from adults.
When adults show interest in a child’s progress, the kids will improve their abilities. What a fun age! It’s full of opportunities for us long-distance grandparents!
As they are entering the world of school and busier schedules, we can be among the first they call when they are craving some undivided attention.
After all, we’re available to ‘look at them’ do whatever it is that they want to show us time and time again.
Action Step #1
Be ready to FaceTime at a moment’s notice! It’s a great gift we offer them, and also a great little gift we can offer their parents too!
Last year we wrote a back-to-school post full of tips on how to navigate the school year as a long-distance grandparent.
Question #2 – Do I have what it takes?
In second and third grade, kids begin to check out how what they can do compares with other kids.
It’s one thing when it’s favorite movies, or what they like on their pizza, but as Joiner and Ivy state “this tendency [for comparison] often leaves kids wondering just how well they measure up.
When they receive encouragement and praise for how hard they are trying, they work to broaden their skills further.
As they begin to notice that some kids might enjoy sports, and others excel at building intricate Lego structures or drawing pictures it’s a great time to encourage their natural abilities, and the work they put in on the activities that might not come so naturally as well.
Action Step #2
Share some stories of things you are naturally good at, and of things you may need to work at a lot harder too!
Your encouragement and honesty about your own abilities will help them celebrate their abilities and worry less about their mistakes, which will actually broaden their competence!
Question #3 – Do I have friends?
Once they are fourth and fifth graders, they begin to look at friendships in new ways.. Oh, this might be when we begin to long for the good ol’ days!
As friends become more important in their lives, we may not feel as needed. But I’ll go back to my old standby quote. They don’t need us less, they just need us differently!
Adults can help them learn relational skills that will help them develop healthy friendships, and as grandparents, even long-distance ones, we can play a part in that.
Action Step #3
Talk about friendships – both friendships that you had growing up, and that you have now. Model for them what healthy relationships look like.
Action Step #4
Invite friends to join – If you have something fun scheduled to do with them online, ask if they would like to include a friend as well.
Growing up, my grandma often invited me and a friend to participate in what she was doing. It was great!
My friends loved my grandma, and she got a front-row seat to the kids who were influencing my life. She heard first hand what the trendy ‘lingo’ of the day was, and probably gained some understanding about my music and wardrobe choices too!
Action Step #5
Send two of everything – Sending a care package? Double up on the contents if possible, so they can share with a friend! Check out this post “Things to Mail Your Grandkids” that has 13+ care package ideas.
Overall, the elementary phase is super fun relationally, although, like other phases, they are still filled with their share of challenges – beginning school, busier schedules, and the widening of the social circle.
For the Parents of Your Grandkids
As long-distance grandparents it can be easy to put our relationship with our grown kids on cruise control during this seemingly carefree time. However, it’s so important to remember to continue encouraging them as they parent right now.
We need to build up their encouragement bank…..because middle school is right around the corner!
